AAARGH...! Another impossible weekend. So many things to do, so many live music events, outdoor fairs, museums, parks, beaches, not to mention meditations, dances and pool parties..... gasp....! yikes...!!!
Yes, for us indecisive Geminian double-minded folks, these endless options and possibilities, tantalizing and tempting as they may be, can feel like being trapped in a candy store for days on end. Sometimes i just want to run to the hills, to the land of "oh my gosh, there's a new pie flavor at the cafe on the corner" sort of excitement. Or maybe a I crave the sheer deliciousness of an afternoon with dear friends drinking white wine and talking about the stars, letting the hours slip from hummingbirds to crickets with melancholy ease.... Or celebrating the full moon as the best act in town, and having nowhere to go but here.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Today I discovered that I was a tree...
A tree, huh?
Well, yes. Metaphorically speaking... :-)
I was doing the Chakra Breathing meditation, which is one of my all-time favorite things to do. And as I'm doing this meditation I'm exploring this whole pattern of self-valuing inside of me, tracing the energetics of it in my body as I'm breathing into the constrictions around my chakras.
And then I recognized all the subtle (and not so subtle) movements inside of me to DO something. Grow, expand, express, be more this that or the other. All the ideas and inspirations, which lovely as they are, are somehow based on the underlying premise that I need to get better. To improve Deepika's Deepikaness in some way. And finally I got fed up. Enough already! What happened to 'Good Enough'...? Why am I constantly barraged with self improvement, growth and betterment? Why can't THIS, yes, THIS, be wonderful as it is...?
So, I began to shift my awareness to that which is. To noticing just whatever was really there, in each breath, in each chakra, in the musings of my chattery mind... whatever. And something began to unwind in me. Deep in my psyche, somewhere in the back of my throat chakra, some tangled knot began to twist itself open.
And then I saw it. Like in the beautiful Zen story about the lion and the sheep... I saw that I was a tree. Not a seed, not a sapling, not a little green shoot struggling to find a place for itself in this world...
But now inside of me there's a knowing, and a centeredness, and a clarity that wasn't there before. Now there's a trunk, some branches, some roots going deep into the ground. This inner experience cannot be uprooted, kicked over or trampled so easily. In fact, it's the very fabric of who I am. And then I saw myself in the mirror. Saw the truth of how much I have grown, how much more solid I am in my being, and how much I have to offer.
It may sound strange, but I had not really seen this before. I could see it reflected in other people's responses to me, in feedback from friends and teachers. I could see it reflected in the depth of the work I'm doing with clients... But I wasn't able to really see it from the inside. Somewhere in my perception of myself, my spiritual being was still a little green shoot, a mere sapling being battered by the winds and terrified of animals with teeth. I needed grooming, fertilizing, a caring gardener to watch over me. I needed daddy to tell me I was alright...
Sigh... I guess that little girl part of me will always know that pathway, the well trodden route to unworthiness and anxiety about my value, my place in the world, and if I'm connected to love... But right now, all that seems irrelevant. I'm a tree. Trees don't ask themselves such questions. They don't ponder the value of this leaf or that, which shade of red to color their fruit. Trees are just doin' it. I might favor good sources of water, turn my face to the morning sun... Certainly there's more growth and lots of adventures still to come. But my place is here, in this moment. My blood and bones are rooted here. And although my heart carries the fragrance of the blossoms yet to come and the sky welcomes me, I'm in no hurry, it's kinda fun to just hang out being a tree...:-)
Well, yes. Metaphorically speaking... :-)
I was doing the Chakra Breathing meditation, which is one of my all-time favorite things to do. And as I'm doing this meditation I'm exploring this whole pattern of self-valuing inside of me, tracing the energetics of it in my body as I'm breathing into the constrictions around my chakras.
And then I recognized all the subtle (and not so subtle) movements inside of me to DO something. Grow, expand, express, be more this that or the other. All the ideas and inspirations, which lovely as they are, are somehow based on the underlying premise that I need to get better. To improve Deepika's Deepikaness in some way. And finally I got fed up. Enough already! What happened to 'Good Enough'...? Why am I constantly barraged with self improvement, growth and betterment? Why can't THIS, yes, THIS, be wonderful as it is...?
So, I began to shift my awareness to that which is. To noticing just whatever was really there, in each breath, in each chakra, in the musings of my chattery mind... whatever. And something began to unwind in me. Deep in my psyche, somewhere in the back of my throat chakra, some tangled knot began to twist itself open.
And then I saw it. Like in the beautiful Zen story about the lion and the sheep... I saw that I was a tree. Not a seed, not a sapling, not a little green shoot struggling to find a place for itself in this world...
But now inside of me there's a knowing, and a centeredness, and a clarity that wasn't there before. Now there's a trunk, some branches, some roots going deep into the ground. This inner experience cannot be uprooted, kicked over or trampled so easily. In fact, it's the very fabric of who I am. And then I saw myself in the mirror. Saw the truth of how much I have grown, how much more solid I am in my being, and how much I have to offer.
It may sound strange, but I had not really seen this before. I could see it reflected in other people's responses to me, in feedback from friends and teachers. I could see it reflected in the depth of the work I'm doing with clients... But I wasn't able to really see it from the inside. Somewhere in my perception of myself, my spiritual being was still a little green shoot, a mere sapling being battered by the winds and terrified of animals with teeth. I needed grooming, fertilizing, a caring gardener to watch over me. I needed daddy to tell me I was alright...
Sigh... I guess that little girl part of me will always know that pathway, the well trodden route to unworthiness and anxiety about my value, my place in the world, and if I'm connected to love... But right now, all that seems irrelevant. I'm a tree. Trees don't ask themselves such questions. They don't ponder the value of this leaf or that, which shade of red to color their fruit. Trees are just doin' it. I might favor good sources of water, turn my face to the morning sun... Certainly there's more growth and lots of adventures still to come. But my place is here, in this moment. My blood and bones are rooted here. And although my heart carries the fragrance of the blossoms yet to come and the sky welcomes me, I'm in no hurry, it's kinda fun to just hang out being a tree...:-)
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Jumping in
It's been a while since i stopped blogging. It's a shame really, since every few days I have these moments of inspiration when I want to think out loud, present a new idea or just share some silly joke or profound insight, and I guess that's what a blog is for, isn't it..?
So here's a first post - about jumping in. This is my practice these days, and this blog is part of that. Not having a plan, a detailed long-term vision or anything like that... just jumping in, taking a leap of trust in myself and whatever impulse got me to crave blogging all of a sudden. So here it is. An impulse. Unknown, unplanned, uncharted. And without knowing why or how, I'm following it. Welcome to the ride... :-) If you join me, this will take us into unfamiliar places, to explore, question, inquire and rejoice in life's playground.
So my first inquiry is into impulse. Just like this one. How do I tell the difference between an impulse and a compulsion? Why does this feel important to do despite the 10 zillion other things on my to-do list... while many other ideas or desires have popped up in my head all day long and I casually dismissed them...? I'm reading a book these days that differentiates between intention and inspiration. Yes, this feels like inspiration... how do I know that...?
Ok, I'm checking it out as I type. Clue #1: It feels opening. as I do it, something inside of me expands. There's also a trembling of sorts, and various random "Who wants to read your ramblings anyways" kind of thoughts... but underneath all of that is a sense of opening spaciousness.
Clue #2: Persistence. I've had flashes of "Oh this would be cool to post on my blog" for the past 2 weeks. Every time I have words tumbling out of there I sadly acknowledge my bloglessness. So now that's a sign that this is an impulse that had some deeper roots because it keeps showing up, unsolicited.
Clue #3: I don't know why it's right. There's a distinct absence of strategic thinking... Strategic in the 'negative' sense of a compulsive pattern that is trying to defend against or attain some sort of gratification that's linked to my beliefs about myself. Sure, I have various justifications... but they are on the surface and coming as an after-thought. The impulse it self is clean. No agenda. No beliefs ringing off the hook. Just a movement, a wave, and I feel moved by it rather than pushing it.
Clue #4: I'm interested. Yes, really. I have about 100 ideas passing through my mind every day. But many of them, if I really tune in, are boring. They bore me before heading out the gate. This idea intrigues me. Since I'm the main person involved in this blogging business, I guess it's a good idea for me to be excited about it....!
Any other ideas...? any inner clues for how to sort out the gold nuggets from the stones, the ideas and impulses worth pursuing versus the ones that are just tired same-old 'stuff'...?
Would be happy to hear about it, and will be delighted to share more of these inner and outer inquiries as they come up. Enjoying every moment makes life all that much more delicious... :-)
Love.
So here's a first post - about jumping in. This is my practice these days, and this blog is part of that. Not having a plan, a detailed long-term vision or anything like that... just jumping in, taking a leap of trust in myself and whatever impulse got me to crave blogging all of a sudden. So here it is. An impulse. Unknown, unplanned, uncharted. And without knowing why or how, I'm following it. Welcome to the ride... :-) If you join me, this will take us into unfamiliar places, to explore, question, inquire and rejoice in life's playground.
So my first inquiry is into impulse. Just like this one. How do I tell the difference between an impulse and a compulsion? Why does this feel important to do despite the 10 zillion other things on my to-do list... while many other ideas or desires have popped up in my head all day long and I casually dismissed them...? I'm reading a book these days that differentiates between intention and inspiration. Yes, this feels like inspiration... how do I know that...?
Ok, I'm checking it out as I type. Clue #1: It feels opening. as I do it, something inside of me expands. There's also a trembling of sorts, and various random "Who wants to read your ramblings anyways" kind of thoughts... but underneath all of that is a sense of opening spaciousness.
Clue #2: Persistence. I've had flashes of "Oh this would be cool to post on my blog" for the past 2 weeks. Every time I have words tumbling out of there I sadly acknowledge my bloglessness. So now that's a sign that this is an impulse that had some deeper roots because it keeps showing up, unsolicited.
Clue #3: I don't know why it's right. There's a distinct absence of strategic thinking... Strategic in the 'negative' sense of a compulsive pattern that is trying to defend against or attain some sort of gratification that's linked to my beliefs about myself. Sure, I have various justifications... but they are on the surface and coming as an after-thought. The impulse it self is clean. No agenda. No beliefs ringing off the hook. Just a movement, a wave, and I feel moved by it rather than pushing it.
Clue #4: I'm interested. Yes, really. I have about 100 ideas passing through my mind every day. But many of them, if I really tune in, are boring. They bore me before heading out the gate. This idea intrigues me. Since I'm the main person involved in this blogging business, I guess it's a good idea for me to be excited about it....!
Any other ideas...? any inner clues for how to sort out the gold nuggets from the stones, the ideas and impulses worth pursuing versus the ones that are just tired same-old 'stuff'...?
Would be happy to hear about it, and will be delighted to share more of these inner and outer inquiries as they come up. Enjoying every moment makes life all that much more delicious... :-)
Love.
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