A tree, huh?
Well, yes. Metaphorically speaking... :-)
I was doing the Chakra Breathing meditation, which is one of my all-time favorite things to do. And as I'm doing this meditation I'm exploring this whole pattern of self-valuing inside of me, tracing the energetics of it in my body as I'm breathing into the constrictions around my chakras.
And then I recognized all the subtle (and not so subtle) movements inside of me to DO something. Grow, expand, express, be more this that or the other. All the ideas and inspirations, which lovely as they are, are somehow based on the underlying premise that I need to get better. To improve Deepika's Deepikaness in some way. And finally I got fed up. Enough already! What happened to 'Good Enough'...? Why am I constantly barraged with self improvement, growth and betterment? Why can't THIS, yes, THIS, be wonderful as it is...?
So, I began to shift my awareness to that which is. To noticing just whatever was really there, in each breath, in each chakra, in the musings of my chattery mind... whatever. And something began to unwind in me. Deep in my psyche, somewhere in the back of my throat chakra, some tangled knot began to twist itself open.
And then I saw it. Like in the beautiful Zen story about the lion and the sheep... I saw that I was a tree. Not a seed, not a sapling, not a little green shoot struggling to find a place for itself in this world...
But now inside of me there's a knowing, and a centeredness, and a clarity that wasn't there before. Now there's a trunk, some branches, some roots going deep into the ground. This inner experience cannot be uprooted, kicked over or trampled so easily. In fact, it's the very fabric of who I am. And then I saw myself in the mirror. Saw the truth of how much I have grown, how much more solid I am in my being, and how much I have to offer.
It may sound strange, but I had not really seen this before. I could see it reflected in other people's responses to me, in feedback from friends and teachers. I could see it reflected in the depth of the work I'm doing with clients... But I wasn't able to really see it from the inside. Somewhere in my perception of myself, my spiritual being was still a little green shoot, a mere sapling being battered by the winds and terrified of animals with teeth. I needed grooming, fertilizing, a caring gardener to watch over me. I needed daddy to tell me I was alright...
Sigh... I guess that little girl part of me will always know that pathway, the well trodden route to unworthiness and anxiety about my value, my place in the world, and if I'm connected to love... But right now, all that seems irrelevant. I'm a tree. Trees don't ask themselves such questions. They don't ponder the value of this leaf or that, which shade of red to color their fruit. Trees are just doin' it. I might favor good sources of water, turn my face to the morning sun... Certainly there's more growth and lots of adventures still to come. But my place is here, in this moment. My blood and bones are rooted here. And although my heart carries the fragrance of the blossoms yet to come and the sky welcomes me, I'm in no hurry, it's kinda fun to just hang out being a tree...:-)
No comments:
Post a Comment